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Thread: Horrible jokes?! *WARNING: Don't read if you are easily offended*

  1. #1
    Senior Citizen Dane's Avatar
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    Horrible jokes?! *WARNING: Don't read if you are easily offended*

    By horrible I mean, really fucking horrible. Really, really horrible. Who is keen to share some horrible jokes?

    There WILL be offensive shit, thus boiling point, but jokes are good (unless they are in such bad taste you can't consider them jokes) and I'm not even sure if we've had a joke thread.

    PS. I've tried to say just how horrible this shit it, people will prolly get offended. Of course, if it is too offensive mods can remove it. I know I was pretty sickened by the ones I'm about to post.

    ANYWAY.

    What is the difference between Madeleine McCan and a toaster?

    A toaster wasn't raped and murdered.
    -

    What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

    Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
    -

    What is the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCan?

    The pope died a virgin.
    -

    What is the difference between Madeleine McCan and Heath Ledger?

    Ledger was in a movie called Brokeback Mounain, McCan was mounted til her back broke.
    -

    How do you swat 200 flies at one time

    Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
    -

    What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

    Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
    -

    What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

    You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
    -

    "I got talking to a girl in the pub last night. Turns out we have a lot of similar interests. Such as My Chemical Romance...

    ... or Rohypnol, as I call it"
    -

    OK so that is a few to get started. My bro told me a few of them and has delighted in offending people with them lately.
    “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

  2. #2
    From The World Hamish's Avatar
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    z srsly hahaha nice.
    "come to Holland, Hamish, you can marry me instead." - herrieman

  3. #3
    Tea Snob Pelican's Avatar
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    i didnt realise you guys knew about Madaline McCan, just thought that was a UK thing
    You know you are a doomster when you volunteer for a session at the Samaritans and all the callers kill themselves... including the guy with the wrong number.

  4. #4
    From The World Hamish's Avatar
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    Man I got sick of hearing about her.
    "come to Holland, Hamish, you can marry me instead." - herrieman

  5. #5
    Bane? Wigg's Avatar
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    It was very annoying. There would have been like 2000 other kidnappings in the time that was in the headlines. Madelaine McCan was an attention whore. (Hey its the nasty jokes thread )
    __

    How do you fit 1000 babies into a bowl?

    Blender.

    How do you get them out again?

    Doritos.
    Quote Originally Posted by herrieman View Post
    This sure doesn't fucks


    http://giant-midget.tumblr.com/ - http://www.last.fm/user/Wiggmortem

  6. #6
    Senior Citizen Dane's Avatar
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    Yeah, fuck her lol.

    Whats the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?

    Theres twenty of them.
    “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

  7. #7
    Bane? Wigg's Avatar
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    Whats the best part about sex with a five year old?

    Watching him break down on the witness stand.
    Quote Originally Posted by herrieman View Post
    This sure doesn't fucks


    http://giant-midget.tumblr.com/ - http://www.last.fm/user/Wiggmortem

  8. #8
    From The World Hamish's Avatar
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    It seems the most shocking thing is paedophilia.

    This is one of my favourites:

    What's white a bobs up and down in a baby's cot?
    A paedophiles ass.


    Not so bad as far as some of these other jokes go, still a goodie.
    "come to Holland, Hamish, you can marry me instead." - herrieman

  9. #9
    Senior Citizen Dane's Avatar
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    What's the best thing about fucking a 6 yearold girl?

    Roll her over and you can fuck a 6 year old boy.

    Yeah, pedo jokes are pretty bad.
    “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

  10. #10
    Ghost Pirate Cris25041's Avatar
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    What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

    Christopher Walken

    Always my favorite.
    Quote Originally Posted by Wigg View Post
    You are now aware that all of Hyrule's water passes under King Zora's ass and balls.

  11. anjzilla (06-16-2010),Eye_Am (05-03-2010),Wigg (05-03-2010)

  12. #11
    Oni
    Generic User Title Oni's Avatar
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    One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

    Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

    The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

    Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

    The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

    The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

  13. Amok (05-04-2010),Dago (05-07-2010),Dane (05-04-2010),Eye_Am (05-03-2010),helvete (05-04-2010),N00bs (05-12-2010)

  14. #12
    Dropping Timber Dr. Lindgren's Avatar
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    Does anyone remember the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler?

    Whenever I think of that song, I think of Bette Midler wearing Kotex and farting because if she was on the rag and wearing a pad when she let out a big juicy fart, that fart would be the wind beneath her wings.

  15. #13
    Schism of Inner Reality Eye_Am's Avatar
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    How many Ethiopians does it take to change out a shower head?
    Don't know. They keep falling down the drain.

    What do the English call a Dentist?
    They don't know either.

    What do the San Francisco 49ers and a tampon have in common?
    Neither have a second string.

    A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...

    Father Murphy, a traveling priest, was visiting parishes in Louisiana.
    It was a particularly sever winter and 26 inches of snow was on the ground.
    Unheard of in the south.
    One morning, while visiting a church in New Orleans, he noticed two naked 12 year old boys standing outside in the snow.
    He asked them what they were doing.
    "Well," one boy replied, "Father Flannigan likes to have a few cold ones after service."

    How did the dead baby cross the road?
    He was stapled to a chickens back.

    What's the difference between a wetback and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket

    One day, Martin Luther King walked out to a pond in Minnesota.
    There was a chinese man skipping rocks across the water in total concentration.
    Mr. King watched him awhile and finally asked what he was doing.
    "In our culture, we can find our ancestors by skipping rocks. Observe."
    He skipped a rock. "Ching Chang Chon."
    My great grand father was Ching Chang Chong. Ruler in the 7th Dynasty."
    "Can I try," King asked?
    He skipped a rock.
    "Chim Pan Zee."

    What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
    The NBA

    What did the white guy see when looking at his family tree?
    A straight line

    A black and a white man bought a rock house next to each other. After a week, Chris (the white one) paints his house pink, so that It is different than Ron�s (the black guy). So Ron does that as well. The next day, Chris, made a fence around it and paints it white, so the black guy does it as well. After a year, Chris gets a bit pissed off and decides to sell the house. So he made one of those boards saying �FOR SALE � $50,000. The following day Rod makes the same board but his price was $100,000.
    Chris was now really upset and decided to ask his neighbor:
    - �Say, Rod, why is your trashy house more expensive than mine?
    - Black guy: �Cuz you have a black neighbor, mine�s white.

    How do you get 12 niggers in a Volkswagen Beetle?
    Throw in a welfare check.
    How do you get them out?
    Throw in a job application.

    Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
    Because he doesn't know he's black.

    How do you know when a Pakistani boy turns into a man?
    Because they take the diaper off of his ass and put it on his head.

    Why is a black guy like sperm?
    Only 1 in a million work.


    Why is Advil white?
    Because it works

    What do you get when you cross a mexican with a vietnamese?
    A car thief who can't drive

    What's long and black?
    The welfare line

    How many Irish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    2.
    One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins

    What happens when a cuban gets a flat tire?
    he drowns

    What's white and fourteen inches long?
    Absolutely nothing

    What do you say when you see a white man carrying a TV?
    "Excuse me sir, you dropped your receipt!"

    Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
    The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven

    Whats the object of Jewish football?
    To get the quarter back.

    Groucho Marx:
    Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

    What does a white woman and a tampon have in common?
    They're both stuck up cunts.

    Thank you.
    I'll be here all night...
    Last edited by N00bs; 05-12-2010 at 01:34 PM. Reason: Violates forum rules.

  16. Dane (05-03-2010)

  17. #14
    Senior Citizen Dane's Avatar
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    Niiiice, Eye_Am.

    What do you call an ethiopian with a pickle on his head?

    Quarter Pounder.
    -

    Whats the difference between blacks and car tyres?

    Tyres don't sing when you strap chains on them.
    Last edited by N00bs; 05-12-2010 at 01:34 PM. Reason: Violates forum rules
    “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

  18. #15
    Moderator About2Crash's Avatar
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    Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

    Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt
    Quote Originally Posted by Res
    well IDK about last night but we just did it again and I definitely made her cum. she was soo wet too. but again she stopped. She mentioned that she doesn't have many more condoms so I said I'd go grab some. Does anyone know what kind are good? are there any with bumps or something on the inside to make it feel better? because this is going to drive me nuts if I can't get off before she gets worn out. I suppose its better than having the opposite problem and cumming too quick though...

  19. #16
    Village Idiot thrash_till_death's Avatar
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    What do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?

    Quater pounder with cheese.



    What's blue and flies around the room?

    A baby with a punctured lung.
    I have a drink problem.......I spill far too much!

  20. #17
    Tea Snob Pelican's Avatar
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    i heard this one when michael jackson died

    Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be distraught, she's been quoted saying "first my parents leave me in Portugal and now this"
    You know you are a doomster when you volunteer for a session at the Samaritans and all the callers kill themselves... including the guy with the wrong number.

  21. Hamish (05-04-2010)

  22. #18
    Ghost Pirate Cris25041's Avatar
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    Shoulda known that Eye_Am would have an abundance of bad jokes...
    Quote Originally Posted by Wigg View Post
    You are now aware that all of Hyrule's water passes under King Zora's ass and balls.

  23. Eye_Am (05-07-2010)

  24. #19
    From The World Hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
    i heard this one when michael jackson died

    Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be distraught, she's been quoted saying "first my parents leave me in Portugal and now this"
    That's the best!
    "come to Holland, Hamish, you can marry me instead." - herrieman

  25. #20
    The Cactus Monster Erik's Avatar
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    What's long and hard on a black man?
    The third grade.

    There is a mexican and a black guy in a car, who is driving?
    The cop.

    Why shouldn't Hellen Kellar drive?
    Because she is a woman.

    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothing, you already told her twice.

    What do you do when your dishwasheer stops working?
    Hit her

    What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

    What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
    It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.

    Why did the woman cross the road?
    Wait, what the fuck was she doing out of the kitchen!
    Last edited by Erik; 05-04-2010 at 05:05 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dane View Post
    Submit to anal masturbating. Seriously.

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